These Yelp Reviews Had Us Laughing Out Loud

Before you pick a spot for a date or a family dinner, it pays to scan the online reviews. You want to avoid a grubby joint, bad food, or nonexistent service. Yelp, launched in 2004, is the go-to for many Americans and has spread into parts of Europe and Asia. People read it religiously and post their thoughts, but since anyone can write a review, not all of them are exactly serious. Some are hilarious, some are bizarre, and a few are flat-out unbelievable. Proceed with caution, because these might make you rethink eating out.

One-Star ICU Review, Literal Job Perk

If someone says they landed in the ICU after dinner, you usually steer clear of that dish. Lauren’s review is funny because she actually works in the ICU, so ending up there was not exactly a surprise. Still, she slapped the restaurant with one star, so whatever happened left her unimpressed. Bottom line, not recommended by a person who knows the unit.

Staff Left For Ice Cream During Service

Ross went to Taco Santo for tacos when an ice cream truck rolled by. The whole staff apparently abandoned their posts to grab cones, leaving him waiting. They came back still eating ice cream, so it looked like dessert came before dinner. Ross was not pleased that his tacos were paused for a snack break.

Toilet Stalls With No Locks? Yikes

Alexandria wrote a Yelp review focused solely on the bathrooms at Third Degree Glass Factory. She was creeped out by sliding stall doors that had no locks and complained about the poor toilet paper. Oddly enough, she still gave the place four stars. We would have liked some details about the rest of the business, not just the loo.

Nice Greeting, One-Star Rant

Gerrick vowed never to return because he was greeted pleasantly when he walked in. He was also upset that he received exactly the meal he ordered, which most people would call a win. Despite sounding like he had good service and correct food, he left a one-star review. Seems some reviewers write for attention, not accuracy.

Too flat

This review is very bizarre, and none of his complaints seem valid except for the very first one. We understand why someone might be bummed out that a pizzeria won’t deliver to their city, but other than that, Curt’s issues with this restaurant are pretty off the wall. He criticized them because their pizza is too flat, because they wouldn’t put cheeseburgers on the pizza as a topping, and because they wouldn’t accept his fake currency. There’s more too – Curt was bummed that the restrooms weren’t massive, that they wouldn’t let him bring his pet mongoose into the restaurant, and even that they put his pizza in what sounds like a pretty standard pizza box.

Service freak

When a restaurant is called Cafe Gratitude, you expect it to be a nice, wholesome place with kind servers and good service. According to Gigi, however, that is simply not the case. She complained that the cafe was a gathering spot for “broody individuals void of soul or compassion,” which is definitely not a positive description of the place. Despite this negativity and the fact that she only gave Cafe Gratitude one star, she still wrote that she’ll be back – which is also a bit odd.

A unicorn

It’s hard to get a good idea of what this store sells just from this review, because it kind of sounds like they have a bit of everything. Even though Meghan wasn’t super enthusiastic about it, we are quite intrigued by her description of the place. She wrote that most of the things in there are junk, and that the food is expired, but what kind of food are they selling at a store that also sells newspapers? It’s not the best review, but we’re still inclined to explore.

One star

This is basically a positive review disguised as a negative review. Even though Eric gave this restaurant just one star, everything he wrote about it is actually a good thing. He complained that the food is good and has lots of flavor, which makes it hard to eat there while you’re on a diet. He also said that it wasn’t “dirty, dingy, smelly, or unsanitary,” which to us sounds like a good thing. We would be down to check this place out!

Not the last date

We have a lot of questions about this review, but the main one is – why would someone agree to go on a first date if they wanted it to be the last date? Were they forced into it? Hoc gave this restaurant a one star review simply because they were nice instead of rude and the food was fresh and delicious. He also seemed annoyed that they refused to make curry pizza, which, as far as we know, is not a regular pizzeria menu item.

Side of death

Our very favorite part of this review is the advice at the end: “Don’t go here. Or do. Whatever.” You see, this Yelp user recognizes that while having a server form a pentagram out of linguini might not have been the most pleasant of experiences for them, some people might actually be into that kind of thing. We’re not suggesting that we are, of course, but someone out there is probably all about that “side of death” restaurant vibe.

A ruined social life

Have you ever rated a restaurant poorly because their food was just too good? We haven’t either, but that seems to be exactly what Gary has done here. He warned other Yelpers to avoid this pizzaria because if they eat here, they will fall in love with the food and want to come back every single day. Not only that, he claimed that this phenomenon also ruined his social life. It’s a pretty extreme claim, so the pizza must be really good.

Bathroom fire

If you decide to set a restaurant’s restroom on fire, you should probably be expected to be quickly kicked out of the establishment. This reviewer wrote that the pizza had too much crust (which is usually a matter of personal taste and preference) and so they “started a small fire” in the bathroom. They were rushed out right away, and left their crossbow in their seat. We are doubtful about whether or not this happened, and we received very little information about the quality of the pizza.

Run

The Cheesecake Factory is one of those establishments that many people love and many people love to hate. They are known for their extensive menu and, of course, their cheesecake. They are not, however, known for having great service. Andrea certainly didn’t have anything good to say about this restaurant, and it sounds like she had a pretty miserable time, from the screaming kids on the patio, to the horrible service at the bar, to the food.

Pawn shop snooty

This reviewer calls herself “pawn shop snooty” at the end of her review, and we kind of see why. Tanya was put off by the fact that this pawn shop had lots of overpriced guitars, and that they didn’t have expensive-enough watches for her liking. She wasn’t crazy about the service, either, and all in all, gave the place one star. Still, if you’re looking to purchase a guitar, it might not be a bad place to start.

No cheese

Some people really like cheese in their Mexican food. After all, that cheese and meat and tortilla combination is hard to beat. So when these people don’t get enough cheese in their meals, they tend to be severely disappointed. That seems to be what happened to Mitchell, who wrote his whole review of El Pollo Loco regarding the fact that he didn’t get any cheese with his food, even though he asked for extra. That alone was enough to bring his rating down to just two stars.

Self-loathing

Every fast food chain has its devotees, and Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits is no different. This exquisitely written review is more of an ode to Popeye’s than an actual review of the food. Raphael wrote something that is almost akin to poetry, praising how when he is short on cash, he can always count on the inexpensive deep-fried chicken and hot sauce offered at Popeye’s, which he calls “the Poseidon of Fast Food Poultry”. He gives the restaurant five stars, so we guess it’s all positive.

What does it say about the business?

This woman was so satisfied with the broiled crab cakes she ordered that she called the restaurant to tell them so. However, even though she was able to speak to the manager and he thanked her for her comment, she wasn’t pleased with the fact that he seemed to be in a rush. That was enough for her to lower her rating of the restaurant to just one star, even though she really did think the food was delicious. We just don’t understand.

Chef McDonald

Most people know exactly what they’re going to get when they set foot inside a McDonald’s, so there’s really no need for a Yelp review of such a well known fast food joint. However, Tom decided to make it sound like a real restaurant. He mentioned a “chef’ McDonald, which sounds pretty hilarious, and then went on to complain about the fact that his food was served in a “paper sack,” something that we’ve all come to expect from McDonalds.

Crem de la crem

A jail is another establishment that we wouldn’t expect to be reviewed on Yelp, especially not so positively. Jason, however, decided to give the Alameda County Santa Rita Jail a whopping five stars, which is really a stellar review. His main reason for the high rating was the fact that you don’t even need to get a ride – they come and pick you up and take you there. It may be the “crem de la crem” of prisons, but we’re still going to try to avoid it.

How was the play?

One of the most famous events in United States history is the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln while he was watching a play at Ford’s Theater. The well-known theater still exists, so some joker of a history buff decided to review it as if he were Lincoln himself. He gave the highly rated theater just two stars, and wrote that he would not recommend it because he was murdered there. It reminds us of the famous saying, “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”

Not a highlight

When you go into an experience with high expectations, you run the risk of being let down. That might be part of the problem that this Yelper ran into when he visited Yosemite National Park with his girlfriend. They thought it would be an incredible place to visit, but were disappointed by everything from the rangers to the tourists to the smell. Perhaps they should have taken a look around at the beautiful scenery, or maybe gone on a hike.

Downgrade

Reviews of bus stations and truck stops are always pretty questionable, and we can’t help but wonder why people need them. If you’re taking a bus, you’re going to need to go through the bus station no matter how stinky it may be. This bus station review, however, is so absurd that it’s funny. Someone downgraded their rating to three stars because they claim to have been on a bus involved in a hit and run. It’s doubtful, but we would still exercise caution here.

Thank you

It’s probably a good sign if diners thank restaurants for helping them maintain their weight, because it tends to mean that they enjoy the food there. Indeed, Yasmin gave this establishment (which is apparently none other than a McDonald’s fast food chain) five stars, in addition to her message of thanks. Dieters, beware, this is not a great place for you to visit for lunch, but that was already a given about almost every fast food restaurant.

No vegan options

It can be a challenge for vegans to find something to eat at certain establishments. In fact, one time someone ordered a vegetarian sandwich somewhere in the midwest and was met with confusion. “You want a salad on bread?” asked the server incredulously. We digress. Claire was disappointed that there were no vegan options at this restaurant, and her one star rating reflected that. However, not every restaurant caters to all customers, so a review like this for a business that is based around meat could be pretty funny.

What We Can Learn From This

Yelp, founded in 2004, gave ordinary people a loud microphone and the results are often hilarious. These reviews show that honest, dramatic, or plain weird reactions are part of the package. Read them for entertainment, but keep your head when you actually pick a place to eat. If Lauren works in the ICU and writes a one star review, use context, not panic, to judge the risk.

Why These Reviews Stick With Us

They are short, vivid, and full of personality, which makes them memorable. A reviewer pretending to be Lincoln or someone praising a jail as five stars punches way above a dry list of pros and cons. Those little flashes of absurdity stay with you longer than a perfectly written critique. And yes, we still read the practical stuff, but the weird lines are the ones we quote later.

How to Read Yelp Without Losing Your Mind

Start by scanning for repeated complaints or praise rather than one-off dramatic tales like someone setting a restroom on fire. Look for specifics about service, food, and cleanliness, not just performative lines about pentagram linguini or curry pizza requests. Remember that some reviews, like Alexandria’s restroom rant, tell you something useful even if they focus on a small detail. Use common sense and a few different opinions before you decide.

The Joy of Reviews as Entertainment

Some Yelp posts read better than standup. Raphael’s ode to Popeye’s and the reviewer demanding cheeseburgers on pizza are comedy gold. That kind of creativity keeps people checking reviews even when they already know the place. If nothing else, they make decision-making more fun and give you a story to tell.

Final Thought, Bring Your Sense of Humor

These oddball reviews remind us that people write from all kinds of moods and motives. Enjoy the ridiculous ones, learn from the useful ones, and ignore the ones that clearly exist to shock or troll. At the end of the day, a one-star rant can be a five-star compliment in disguise, so read with caution and a grin.